My mind is in a million places ( just realized 2 paragraphs were deleted so I reposted)

Well, I have been back over a week and It is still quite an odd feeling. I keep trying to explain to my friends and family how I am feeling, but I can't seem to put it into words. The only people that understand what I am going though are the people I went to India with or people that have previously done trips similar to what I did. 

The first moment I was alone was when I got in my car to drive from Nashville back to Oxford. I just started to cry.. and I mean balling crying. I am sure it was the mixture of emotions and exhaustion, but I was literally crying uncontrollably. I couldn't turn the radio on or call anyone to let them know I as on the road. I just started to drive and think about the experience I had just gone through. After about 2 hours on the road, I decided to call the one friend that I knew would be good at understanding what I couldn't explain. Rebekah. As she will tell you herself, she knows me WAY better than I even know myself. She knows what I need to hear, even if it may be hard for me to swallow. She reminded me that there needs to be a balance in life. She said, "When you are blessed with things in life, you should share the blessings you are given. You don't have to tell everyone what you are doing, but do it for yourself because you enjoy doing it." She's so right. I have gotten so caught up with the silly things in life, I have forgotten what's important. Love those around you and do what you can to help others. Don't worry about the rest, it will happen the way it is supposed to happen. Everything happens for a reason, EVERYTHING! When I signed up for this trip to India, I knew I would be a little different when I got back, but I didn't expect anything CLOSE to this degree. These children will never know the impact they have had on my life. I will forever be different, and in my opinion, for the better. 

I think about my kids in the most interesting moments. I was in my Pilates class the other morning and I was laying out my mat  to work out when I thought, this is better than what the children of ICMC SLEEP on. I never anticipated my trip to India affecting so many different aspects of my life. I find myself praying a lot more now. I have been a Christian since I was young, but I am guilty of praying only when things are bad or need guidance. I have always  tried to control every aspect of my life, worrying how things were going to work out, but now I have been reminded that I am not in control of ANYTHING. There is already a plan for me and I just have to listen to what He has planned for me. 

I went though a lot of guilt when I got back. Guilt for all of the things I have and loathe to have. The children in India have NOTHING and they wanted to give me the one bracelet or hair clip that they did have. How can I complain when I don't have something "cute enough" to wear out to dinner on Friday night. Seems pretty silly now. Now I'm not going to go give away everything I own and never buy anything again, I just am going to make sure that I am a lot more grateful for the things that I DO have. Cole told me  the other day, "these things you have are blessings and you shouldn't feel guilty that you have these things, just remember to appreciate the things you have been given." I wouldn't say that I'm someone who is never grateful for the things I have, I just think I have room for improvement. Don't we all forget how lucky we are sometimes? Maybe I am a loner on that one, but I am not afraid to admit it.  

 I have always been the person to help everyone around me and forget about myself, but I forgot how INCREDIBLE it feels to help the people that need it the MOST. The feeling I felt when those children looked into my eyes was the most incredible sensation. There was just so much sincerity in their eyes when they told me thank you over and over. The hugs they gave me will stay with me forever. Makes you realize how important human interaction is. A hug can make your day go from miserable to incredible. When I am having a tough day, all  I have to do now is think back to a hug from Parimila and her telling me not to worry because Jesus loves me and everything will be okay. 

I would consider myself someone who tends to be a "go with the flow person." Sometimes a little too much. I was talking with my friend Jordan the other day and she reminded me that sometimes it is okay to say what you want and not just do what everyone else wants. If you let everyone else make your decisions for you, you will loose who you are as a person. Thats where I was before I left for India.  I had lost who I was as an individual. She also told me that it is okay to be selfish every now and then. Selfish in the way that you do what you want to do because it is what makes YOU happy. I needed a BIG reminder of that. I so often put what I want aside just to do to just be easy. Who I am is someone who LOVES to be around children that need adult love in their life. I knew this before, but it is SO apparent to me now. Maybe I will look for a career in non-profit? Maybe not a career, just volunteering, but who knows what God has is store for me! However, I am very excited and can't wait to see what's next!


I want to take this time to thank Katie for inviting me to go to India. Without her, I would not be where I am now. It was the best decision I have ever made!! Thank you and Love you Katie! 

I didn't realize I would be able to share some of these thoughts out loud, but it feels good to let it out. This is who I am and I'm not afraid of that anymore. It just started SNOWING! yay! So I am off to play in the snow and enjoy getting off work a little early today. Can't wait to share some pictures of our "Oxford Blizzard." Have a fantabulous day!

Much Love in Him,

Emily